New beginning

     There is a post I read called BORED OLIVES. It's an interesting post, an email love story of sorts. Anyone interested should check it out, the gist however is boy meets girl boys falls for girl through horrible communication girl thinks boy isn't interested and sleeps with his friend. Girl regrets, boy flys off the handle, they become friends, boy starts dating roommate... The attraction is still evident... and that's kinda where I am now.  While it has a Harry met Sally feel to it at times, it just goes to show that all relationships are complicated. I have tried and failed miserably at several relationships. I'm always wondering if this is " the one" and when it turns out not to be I usually at least remain friends with the failed future Mrs. Huffstetler. I find the older I get however the harder this feat actually is.  I value friendships and I try and always be there for my friends. I don't ignore people, and as a general rule if for some reason I don't pull through on something or I can't contact you there is a good reason. So with that being said it makes it hard to let people go in my life.  I do however value my self worth. I think I deserve to be more than someone's fall back, or someone you can't make plans with because "you never know what else will come up". I don't like being the one who picks people up puts them on their feet only to have them leave me behind until they fall again. Only it seems that is my purpose in life. If I was getting paid as a psychiatrist, and it was a professional thing I was doing i'd be fine with it. But when I invest my time and energy into a friendship I hate to feel shafted. So I've stood up for myself. Usually I let things just go and accept my role. Lately however I'm feeling more important... I think that it's wrong to be discarded, used, and pulled off the shelf only when needed. I also think it's not right to have to fight to pull a conversation out of someone. Either you want to be my friend or you don't.  I've made mistakes, and I apologize for them, and for any wrong i've done, i'd love to face it and fix it, repair the things that need repairing; but I don't apologize for standing up and saying I deserve to be treated like a friend. I love everyone in my life in some way. I don't say those words a lot, and a lot of you hate that about me... but if I say it to you a lot it's because I mean it. Perhaps if we lived our lives thinking about others as opposed to trying to get our momentary moments of joy, our long term joy would exceed our own expectations. I hope and strive to be that kind of person.