Reflection

  I'm not looking in a mirror of course, but this is the time of year when we take a look at the things that have gone on over the past 12 months and judge how good or bad the year was for us... At the end of last year i had a lot of hope, I thought this year was going to be the beginning of a new life for me, but it didn't turn out as i expected... imagine that... In the past year I stood by someone who i loved and who I thought needed me, only to find out that in the end I was only going to end up alone for 10 months out of the year. My cousin received a bone marrow transplant, that saved his life and he has now moved in with me and is a friend as well as roommate. I then tried a series of failed attempts at starting a relationship, all of which pointed me to the fact that I wasn't ready to move on or give up even on the person I was in love with from the start. I attended several weddings, saw a family member leave this world, saw a new life brought into this world. Did a show in which I feel like I've done the best acting i've ever done, and I did it in front of the one I loved so much, who had actually never seen a show, a full show at least, live with me in it. I kissed someone I've known for years, and who i thought at one time I may have something with, only to realize that we are only friends and that's all we'll ever be, once again more proof I wasn't ready to move on. I moved into a new house, a house I actually love being in, have room in... So all in all you would say it was a good year, but up until a few days ago, I still felt horrible about it. I still love very much that same person, a year later, and i guess it goes to show some things don't go away. But she talked to me, told me things I didn't know, she didn't give me false hope or tell me we were getting back together. But she told me she loved me and I know she meant it... Even though it may have been the love you have for your friends, any love that you can feel is genuine, touches you and helps you move past the times that seem darkest... And that's what I get out of my year I guess more than anything... Love. Love is such a hard word to describe or define. Love is so different to each of us but we all feel it. My friends who have listened to me, the helping hands when I made a few really really really bad mistakes this spring... the encouraging words of family. Love is abundant in my life, and I hope to give it back. Who wants to be Scrooge when you can be Santa. I may not have a "significant other" this Christmas, no one to hold tight trade gifts with or kiss under the mistletoe, but I do have a significant group of family and friends who i'm happy to share my time with, and that is the greatest reflection any man can see when he looks back at his year.

Upcoming

   The Christmas season will be in full swing next week. Not that you have to tell that to the retailers, because they started two weeks before Halloween. I find myself this year starting from scratch and ready to decorate my first house. I've already been to several places and bought tons of ornaments, and my plan is that day after Thanksgiving, I will go pick out my tree and begin decorating. Christmas always brings back memories for me, memories from childhood and waiting for santa, memories of Holidays spent with family, friends, girlfriends, and even alone. I asked someone the other day what is the one thing they associate with me; the one thing that when they see it or hear it I automatically think of me. This person told me they couldn't think of one thing but several and at the top of that list was Christmas. This (even though they don't know it) made me smile. Christmas is a special time for me and the fact that I touched someone's life in a way that when they think of Christmas they think of memories they had with me touches me. I love my friends what can i say.
       Tonight, I'm going to my director's house from a show I did earlier in the year and watching the show with the cast. Normally this is done right after the show, but due to conflicts and so forth we're just now getting together. The cool thing about it is she's got a projector to show it on a huge screen. So it'll kind of be like watching myself on the big screen haha. I'm excited about it as it was probably my favorite show ever.
       Otherwise, my life is kind of quiet at the moment. That's something I welcome and yet feel strangely guilty for. I'm used to my life being organized chaos and the fact I have a little down time makes me feel bad. So to all those who don't have a free minute to themselves, just remember when you do have some time enjoy it cause guilt will eat you alive. I'd love to hear from some of you guys. I miss my buds. Till next time...

New beginning

     There is a post I read called BORED OLIVES. It's an interesting post, an email love story of sorts. Anyone interested should check it out, the gist however is boy meets girl boys falls for girl through horrible communication girl thinks boy isn't interested and sleeps with his friend. Girl regrets, boy flys off the handle, they become friends, boy starts dating roommate... The attraction is still evident... and that's kinda where I am now.  While it has a Harry met Sally feel to it at times, it just goes to show that all relationships are complicated. I have tried and failed miserably at several relationships. I'm always wondering if this is " the one" and when it turns out not to be I usually at least remain friends with the failed future Mrs. Huffstetler. I find the older I get however the harder this feat actually is.  I value friendships and I try and always be there for my friends. I don't ignore people, and as a general rule if for some reason I don't pull through on something or I can't contact you there is a good reason. So with that being said it makes it hard to let people go in my life.  I do however value my self worth. I think I deserve to be more than someone's fall back, or someone you can't make plans with because "you never know what else will come up". I don't like being the one who picks people up puts them on their feet only to have them leave me behind until they fall again. Only it seems that is my purpose in life. If I was getting paid as a psychiatrist, and it was a professional thing I was doing i'd be fine with it. But when I invest my time and energy into a friendship I hate to feel shafted. So I've stood up for myself. Usually I let things just go and accept my role. Lately however I'm feeling more important... I think that it's wrong to be discarded, used, and pulled off the shelf only when needed. I also think it's not right to have to fight to pull a conversation out of someone. Either you want to be my friend or you don't.  I've made mistakes, and I apologize for them, and for any wrong i've done, i'd love to face it and fix it, repair the things that need repairing; but I don't apologize for standing up and saying I deserve to be treated like a friend. I love everyone in my life in some way. I don't say those words a lot, and a lot of you hate that about me... but if I say it to you a lot it's because I mean it. Perhaps if we lived our lives thinking about others as opposed to trying to get our momentary moments of joy, our long term joy would exceed our own expectations. I hope and strive to be that kind of person.

Stick with what brought you here

This is a favorite football or wrestling analogy that I hear a lot, but I believe it applies heavily to daily life. A lot of times when a team goes to the super bowl, or the playoffs even, or in wrestling (and yes I know wrestling isn't "real" I used to wrestle for God's sake) when someone went to a championship match, the announcer will stay that a team needs to stick with what brought them there. The tendency is, if you're a team that likes to ground the ball out and you're playing a high scoring team you'll try and pick up your passing game so you can try to match scores with them.  When the fact of the matter is, if you pound the ball and make them stop you, keep their offense off the field so they can't get into a rhythm you're much better off...  In life it's much the same. We take for granted the things that are stable in our lives and work to hard on the things that don't really matter, and don't make us who we are. Why would a man who's happily married with children cheat on his wife? Sure now and then he may succeed in getting that short term goal but in the end, if he's caught, he loses the thing that's important to him.  Now by in no way am I stating that we should never try anything new. I think expanding and learning new things is an important part of our growth as individuals. I think as we enter in the time of year where we are supposed to give thanks, that for me personally and for I hope many of you, we stop and really think about our lives and the things we have to be thankful for. Think about the things that we have day in and day out. Things as simple as having an outlet to write is something I take for granted, but even more so are the friends that listen to what I say and genuinely care about me and the things I'm going through. We can't always get the things we want in life, but we should treasure the things we do have. So whether it be a loving wife, beautiful children, an endless supply of friends, or a simple notebook to jot down ideas, I hope by appreciating everything in life from big to small it will help us stick with what brought us here, and we can all win our "Super Bowls"

winding down

It's getting down to the end of the line for me. My shows will be over soon, I perform two this weekend and then the following weekend i'll be singing at a wedding and starting our run of "Deadly Murders". Not a moment too soon. I am exhausted. Between learning lines, rehearsing, and work I can't even sleep well. nightmares, time restraint on sleeping, yada yada yada. So today I wake up, and the first words out of my mouth  were damn that can NOT be the alarm already. Of course there was no one there to hear my ramblings so I fought my way out of bed and into another day of work... I believe it can be proven that working before 7 in the morning is hazerdous to your health and should be outlawed in the state of North Carolina...  but i digress. Shows are coming up, hope to see you guys there. Weekend before and weekend of Halloween for Deadly Murders, starring Kyran Packard for those of you familiar with the local group of us, Co starring Sean Whitworth and myself. And this weekend coming up will be the season opener. Free to all at the arts council on Washington Street in Shelby. I'll be in a couple of small skits, and may have a beverage or two...  Until next time.

round and round

I've been going through a lot of things lately as most of you already know. The first show of the season, well full length show at least, is coming along nicely, and I think people will see a side of me they have never seen before. Being someone different every time I step on stage is something I pride myself in, and I can definitely say, i've never been this guy.  The season opener stuff, i've barely had a chance to look at... good thing they are short and I should be able to learn them with minimal effort.
My boss recently married, and has been away from the store. So that's been hectic, working extra hours and doing the show... Life is good for the most part. However I have been having some horrific nightmares. I was in a house, my friend Michael and I were watching a man push his daughter on a swing, then his wife walks outside, and without warning the man pulls out a gun and blows his daughter's brains out. I was horrified, in total shock, then he turns the gun on his wife. After finally getting my shit together I tell my friend Michael to leave, I was going to distract the man and hopefully get some help for his wife who i wasn't sure was even still alive. At this point the man turns his attention to me, he walks in the house and looks in me and to my surprise I see my own eyes staring back at me. I'm older, and physically a little different, slimmer, paler, but the eyes and expression give it away, it's then I wake up.
Dream 2 had me lying on a bed with a back ache, and someone who was I assume my girlfriend was giving me a back rub, then she pulls out a hair dryer and starts putting it to my hair.... and I pushed her off of me into a tub of water, electrocuting her... I sat there and watch her convulse, smiling and laughing, until the life was out of her eyes.... And last night... well I won't even get into that, let's just say it was worse and leave it at that. I don't get spooked easily, horror movies and things don't affect me... but i'm rattled.  I see this person, like a ghost laughing at me controlling these things, enjoying my misery. It sounds crazy, even Halloweenish, maybe the ghouls have got to me lol. Or maybe i'm just losing it... either way, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger they always say. Hope to see you all at the show.

A new leaf

   I've recently been looking up about things. Call it a renewed faith, or a dose of self confidence; whatever the case my be it's a nice change of pace. I have been in such a depressed funk as of late... And while being heartbroken had a lot to do with it, that wasn't the whole story. I've had tons of stuff going on in life, some i'd rather not share or even make mention of, that had me feeling pretty low. I've done things, and tried things, that I'm not proud of. So while it's not a new year, I still would like to make a small resolution, I resolve to get back to being me. I like me, or I used to at least; and i'm starting to again. I got to be with Michelle by being me, and i'll get to that point of my life where i'm happy again by being me...  I've had this eternal battle with myself and for what? Sure I've made mistakes but who hasn't for goodness sake?  The way I got to this point was by not being myself, and even if I do say so myself is a pretty awesome person. Writing; is something I love doing and want to get back to it... Don't worry that doesn't mean i'll post nightly blogs so that you're bored about the current events of the internal search for oneness I seem to be going through... But it does mean that i'm hoping my notebooks will get full.  i'm going to finish up with my current show and maybe try out a show somewhere else...  I may never make it to broadway, but there are other options out there. And what's the worst that can happen? I get turned down for a part? Been there done that.... But at least I can say I tried. I have great friends... the four of you that i know read this of course...I love you guys all, a couple of you I have seen through some really hard times... maybe I wasn't the rock you needed, nor did I have all the answers, but I was there... and the other two,  our friendships are somewhat new and renewed.  And to all my other friends, keep your fingers crossed for me... there's definately a storm brewing.

Buried Treasures.

 Thursday night I was coming home from rehearsal and checking my email/ facebook/myspace... and noticed I had a friend request. The friend request was from someone I didn't know, but was a friend of a friend as the saying goes.  So I being the friendly person I am decided to add this person to my facebook. Don't worry folks you're not going to get the dreaded facebook virus everyone is posting about as of late... So any way this person sent me a message a little later, and said hey do you remember me... When I saw the name, there was only one person I could think of that it could be, so I said.... maybe... then she told me what her last name used to be and low and behold I was right.
      Not sure if i'm  allowed to use her name so I'll just use the word she for now, not sure how she feels about public people knowing her business... So anyway, she and I talked for hours, remembering intimate details of our childhood "relationship". She was the first girl to ever kiss me, (although it was on the cheek) and also the very first person to sleep over, and who's house I stayed the night.  We were 8 years old and in the second and third grade. She was my very best friend all those years ago. So listening to her tell me about how hard it was for her when I moved away, and to some of the things she's done in her life, and telling her the things I do to pass my time (when I have any) took up the better part of four hours. It's always great to have someone you can just so easily converse  with.  While she is happily married with children, to find a friendship buried by so many years of separation, is a treasure that i can greatly appreciate.
     

thinks that are on my mind/ Never

Posting from the heart gets you into trouble sometimes, especially if you're life isn't everything it's cracked up to be at the moment. People tend to look at you as troubled, But then when things are going great people congratulate you and want to hang out and so forth and so on... Lately I feel torn inside... not in torn as, to how I feel but torn in almost every other way. So I would love feedback on how you feel even if you are just a curious person who wandered on my page by mistake. I know what I feel, and I know what I want to feel, those are about the only two things in this life I do know. The two are so far apart that they don't even seem to be feelings that should belong in the same body. The things I think... Oh God the things I think... I think of the person I want to be with, and how now that person has moved on to the extent that as Phil Collins so beautifully wrote it's "Against All Odds" that I will ever be with her again. And my brain... oh my brain he tells me, this is what you need to do, this is how you need to move on, these are the things that will help... and i listen to him... and I try... and nothing absolutely nothing makes all this pain go away, well almost nothing... and the things that do only ease it for a short time.It's like taking a shot of morphine, it'll dull the pain but when it wears off it's still there.  And then... there is this other thing... I feel my heart is broken. Not broken in the since of this girl broke my heart and woe is me... but broken as in I don't feel like I could love anyone that way again... NO... I KNOW I CAN'T;  But I try, and I want to, and I owe it to myself to feel again... right? To get on that horse, to understand hey she's never coming back to you, you're never going to be together... at least not in that way.  So i think about where things went wrong... and there were so many places... God more than i can put a finger  on. I've been thinking so hard about that. The really sad part is I see her from time to time... and it's not like all those feelings come flooding back when I look at her. They never stopped, never subsided, never... well just never. Forever IS just a word... but it's a powerful word... and memories can stay with us for that forever. Try telling yourself , when your with someone else and all you can think of is that love, that one that got away... yeah try telling yourself that forever isn't real and those memories with stab you through the heart like you were the last thing standing between it and eternal damnation.  Sad as this all sounds, I'm happy. I'm happy for her. She love someone again... Great!!! She deserves happy. And while all this may seem like a huge love sucks rant, it truly isn't. I am happy... I am happy because for the first time I think in my life I've figured out a lot of things.I know what it is to be in love and that i will never settle for less. I learned that you must give love a chance, if you don't then you'll end up cold and alone. I've learned that while we promise things, and may even genuinely mean them it's the things that we don't do that mean the most... I've been thinking about this all day... and i wrote a little something... call it a poem or whatever... but these are my Nevers

-Never will I raise my hand in anger, not to you or around you. My hand is for love not for hate
-Never will I raise my voice at you, You are my equal not beneath me I shoudn't degrate you
-Never will I cause you any pain, Your days should be filled with joy and love as you've filled mine
-Never will I doubt you, while I may get jealous when you're with someone else It's only because I feel a moment without you in my life is a moment wasted
-Never will I lead you astray, I am here for you always and want you to do what's right in your heart
-Never will I force my opinions on you, while we may disagree there are often times more than one way to resolve a conflict and my way may not always be the best way for you.
-Never will I stray, you are my life, my soul, my hope, and I could never find another like you
-Never will I push you away , while things may not be how i want, I am not a child and can't have my way
All these things I will never do because my most important Never is
-Never do I want a life without you.

Thanks to all those who stuck around to read... and yes I am happy and yes I'll be fine, but being in love with someone is not always a picnic... We have to get through the storms of life sometimes to see the rainbows...

be careful what you wish for

While there are only a couple of you who read my blog that I know of.... the purpose of writing is for myself... but since we all go through the same bunch of junk in life I figure if someone reads what I write and says... " hey that's how i feel" they know they aren't alone and maybe just maybe it helps them in some small way. That being said one of my blog readers hinted ever so subtly (sarcasm) that they want to see some new poems... but my mind isn't in the bright happy love poems they (this person) knows me for... but nonetheless.. here goes. keep in mind people this is a freaking poem... no worries read it and like it .. or don't...

one year ago i held you close
locked myself inside your soul
exploring Avenues  i never knew
always afraid I pushed on through
exposing my soul for you to see
my forever right in front of me
fast forward to this day and time
with last year engraved inside my mind
you're there with me each day i wake
I sleep with no soul for God to take
I'm left to climb from my hole to the world above
others offer help offer love
lying in another's embrace
brings to life that distant space
so to the pills for rest and peace
the only thing that gives release
so as i lay me down to sleep
I can't climb out my hole's too deep

inside

In my life I've seen thing I never dreamed I'd see. Magnificent things and horrible things. I've watched the sun rise over the ocean, I've seen the sun set behind a mountain. I've seen Rainbows that were so bright they almost blind you. I've watched someone I love waste away and die from alcoholism, I've seen someone else I love fight and thus far win his battle with cancer. I've seen shows that made me laugh. I've heard the laughter, and applause of hundreds who enjoyed something I've done. I've traveled to huge cities and beautiful country sides. I've made friends that have truly been there for me from the time I met them who I could call upon to this day. I've felt the pain flowing through songs into the very depths of my soul.  I've witnessed the unexplained, I've seen optical illusions that will make you question the laws of physics. I've climbed a mountain and sat on it's cliff to watch the sun go down over a city. I've read books that made me question my faith, and I've read books that strengthen my faith. I've been cheated on, lied to, and led astray, and I've been loved and shown kindness from strangers.If I were to combine all the emotions I've felt I could hold them in my heart and feel full of life... As great as all those emotions are when I think about what it felt like to be in love, to hold that person I thought was going to be my forever, they fall short of one day with her. So while I may never have my forever I'll at least know what it felt like, because that is a feeling that even time can't erase.