A new leaf

   I've recently been looking up about things. Call it a renewed faith, or a dose of self confidence; whatever the case my be it's a nice change of pace. I have been in such a depressed funk as of late... And while being heartbroken had a lot to do with it, that wasn't the whole story. I've had tons of stuff going on in life, some i'd rather not share or even make mention of, that had me feeling pretty low. I've done things, and tried things, that I'm not proud of. So while it's not a new year, I still would like to make a small resolution, I resolve to get back to being me. I like me, or I used to at least; and i'm starting to again. I got to be with Michelle by being me, and i'll get to that point of my life where i'm happy again by being me...  I've had this eternal battle with myself and for what? Sure I've made mistakes but who hasn't for goodness sake?  The way I got to this point was by not being myself, and even if I do say so myself is a pretty awesome person. Writing; is something I love doing and want to get back to it... Don't worry that doesn't mean i'll post nightly blogs so that you're bored about the current events of the internal search for oneness I seem to be going through... But it does mean that i'm hoping my notebooks will get full.  i'm going to finish up with my current show and maybe try out a show somewhere else...  I may never make it to broadway, but there are other options out there. And what's the worst that can happen? I get turned down for a part? Been there done that.... But at least I can say I tried. I have great friends... the four of you that i know read this of course...I love you guys all, a couple of you I have seen through some really hard times... maybe I wasn't the rock you needed, nor did I have all the answers, but I was there... and the other two,  our friendships are somewhat new and renewed.  And to all my other friends, keep your fingers crossed for me... there's definately a storm brewing.

Buried Treasures.

 Thursday night I was coming home from rehearsal and checking my email/ facebook/myspace... and noticed I had a friend request. The friend request was from someone I didn't know, but was a friend of a friend as the saying goes.  So I being the friendly person I am decided to add this person to my facebook. Don't worry folks you're not going to get the dreaded facebook virus everyone is posting about as of late... So any way this person sent me a message a little later, and said hey do you remember me... When I saw the name, there was only one person I could think of that it could be, so I said.... maybe... then she told me what her last name used to be and low and behold I was right.
      Not sure if i'm  allowed to use her name so I'll just use the word she for now, not sure how she feels about public people knowing her business... So anyway, she and I talked for hours, remembering intimate details of our childhood "relationship". She was the first girl to ever kiss me, (although it was on the cheek) and also the very first person to sleep over, and who's house I stayed the night.  We were 8 years old and in the second and third grade. She was my very best friend all those years ago. So listening to her tell me about how hard it was for her when I moved away, and to some of the things she's done in her life, and telling her the things I do to pass my time (when I have any) took up the better part of four hours. It's always great to have someone you can just so easily converse  with.  While she is happily married with children, to find a friendship buried by so many years of separation, is a treasure that i can greatly appreciate.
     

thinks that are on my mind/ Never

Posting from the heart gets you into trouble sometimes, especially if you're life isn't everything it's cracked up to be at the moment. People tend to look at you as troubled, But then when things are going great people congratulate you and want to hang out and so forth and so on... Lately I feel torn inside... not in torn as, to how I feel but torn in almost every other way. So I would love feedback on how you feel even if you are just a curious person who wandered on my page by mistake. I know what I feel, and I know what I want to feel, those are about the only two things in this life I do know. The two are so far apart that they don't even seem to be feelings that should belong in the same body. The things I think... Oh God the things I think... I think of the person I want to be with, and how now that person has moved on to the extent that as Phil Collins so beautifully wrote it's "Against All Odds" that I will ever be with her again. And my brain... oh my brain he tells me, this is what you need to do, this is how you need to move on, these are the things that will help... and i listen to him... and I try... and nothing absolutely nothing makes all this pain go away, well almost nothing... and the things that do only ease it for a short time.It's like taking a shot of morphine, it'll dull the pain but when it wears off it's still there.  And then... there is this other thing... I feel my heart is broken. Not broken in the since of this girl broke my heart and woe is me... but broken as in I don't feel like I could love anyone that way again... NO... I KNOW I CAN'T;  But I try, and I want to, and I owe it to myself to feel again... right? To get on that horse, to understand hey she's never coming back to you, you're never going to be together... at least not in that way.  So i think about where things went wrong... and there were so many places... God more than i can put a finger  on. I've been thinking so hard about that. The really sad part is I see her from time to time... and it's not like all those feelings come flooding back when I look at her. They never stopped, never subsided, never... well just never. Forever IS just a word... but it's a powerful word... and memories can stay with us for that forever. Try telling yourself , when your with someone else and all you can think of is that love, that one that got away... yeah try telling yourself that forever isn't real and those memories with stab you through the heart like you were the last thing standing between it and eternal damnation.  Sad as this all sounds, I'm happy. I'm happy for her. She love someone again... Great!!! She deserves happy. And while all this may seem like a huge love sucks rant, it truly isn't. I am happy... I am happy because for the first time I think in my life I've figured out a lot of things.I know what it is to be in love and that i will never settle for less. I learned that you must give love a chance, if you don't then you'll end up cold and alone. I've learned that while we promise things, and may even genuinely mean them it's the things that we don't do that mean the most... I've been thinking about this all day... and i wrote a little something... call it a poem or whatever... but these are my Nevers

-Never will I raise my hand in anger, not to you or around you. My hand is for love not for hate
-Never will I raise my voice at you, You are my equal not beneath me I shoudn't degrate you
-Never will I cause you any pain, Your days should be filled with joy and love as you've filled mine
-Never will I doubt you, while I may get jealous when you're with someone else It's only because I feel a moment without you in my life is a moment wasted
-Never will I lead you astray, I am here for you always and want you to do what's right in your heart
-Never will I force my opinions on you, while we may disagree there are often times more than one way to resolve a conflict and my way may not always be the best way for you.
-Never will I stray, you are my life, my soul, my hope, and I could never find another like you
-Never will I push you away , while things may not be how i want, I am not a child and can't have my way
All these things I will never do because my most important Never is
-Never do I want a life without you.

Thanks to all those who stuck around to read... and yes I am happy and yes I'll be fine, but being in love with someone is not always a picnic... We have to get through the storms of life sometimes to see the rainbows...

be careful what you wish for

While there are only a couple of you who read my blog that I know of.... the purpose of writing is for myself... but since we all go through the same bunch of junk in life I figure if someone reads what I write and says... " hey that's how i feel" they know they aren't alone and maybe just maybe it helps them in some small way. That being said one of my blog readers hinted ever so subtly (sarcasm) that they want to see some new poems... but my mind isn't in the bright happy love poems they (this person) knows me for... but nonetheless.. here goes. keep in mind people this is a freaking poem... no worries read it and like it .. or don't...

one year ago i held you close
locked myself inside your soul
exploring Avenues  i never knew
always afraid I pushed on through
exposing my soul for you to see
my forever right in front of me
fast forward to this day and time
with last year engraved inside my mind
you're there with me each day i wake
I sleep with no soul for God to take
I'm left to climb from my hole to the world above
others offer help offer love
lying in another's embrace
brings to life that distant space
so to the pills for rest and peace
the only thing that gives release
so as i lay me down to sleep
I can't climb out my hole's too deep

inside

In my life I've seen thing I never dreamed I'd see. Magnificent things and horrible things. I've watched the sun rise over the ocean, I've seen the sun set behind a mountain. I've seen Rainbows that were so bright they almost blind you. I've watched someone I love waste away and die from alcoholism, I've seen someone else I love fight and thus far win his battle with cancer. I've seen shows that made me laugh. I've heard the laughter, and applause of hundreds who enjoyed something I've done. I've traveled to huge cities and beautiful country sides. I've made friends that have truly been there for me from the time I met them who I could call upon to this day. I've felt the pain flowing through songs into the very depths of my soul.  I've witnessed the unexplained, I've seen optical illusions that will make you question the laws of physics. I've climbed a mountain and sat on it's cliff to watch the sun go down over a city. I've read books that made me question my faith, and I've read books that strengthen my faith. I've been cheated on, lied to, and led astray, and I've been loved and shown kindness from strangers.If I were to combine all the emotions I've felt I could hold them in my heart and feel full of life... As great as all those emotions are when I think about what it felt like to be in love, to hold that person I thought was going to be my forever, they fall short of one day with her. So while I may never have my forever I'll at least know what it felt like, because that is a feeling that even time can't erase.