patchwork

 When mowing grass, I tend to cut myself out an area into a rectangle or square depending on where i'm cutting and I'll cut that square down. I think it gives me a sense of progression, and at times completion. Eventually I'll get all squares cut and I'm done. I think in a lot of ways life is this way... We make these goals for ourselves and chop them down and move forward... or we should at any rate... Somewhere along the way however it seems we lose sight of things that are the most important and it makes our patchwork incomplete so here are a few of the things I'd like to do in the time I have remaining..
    First, I think it's important that the one person you love most in your life is an important part of your life. Whether that be a family member, a significant other, a best friend, or whatever too many times the people we love the most are the ones that we lose contact with because we either take them for granted, or maybe you want more than that person can give you so you end up with nothing at all.  Both cases are sad and we should make sure the ones we love know exactly how important they are to us. It's not always easy to say but it is necessary to say it.
   Second I want to do more living. I do too many things that mean absolutely nothing to me and not enough of the things that do. I remember things like sitting on the front porch to the early morning hours singing songs that we didn't know all the words to with one of my best friends, I remember spending a night in a car with two of my best friends in the Denny's parking lot talking, after eating at Denny's, not just a few hours, but an entire night, and when the sun came up we drove to the Roger's theater and looked around. I can remember a birthday where I spent the whole day in my room with someone very special to me, and how that has been my favorite birthday of all times just because of the fact that for us that day we were it, it wasn't about some present, or ceremony, or even just about sex (although that was a perk). It was about someone being with me and only me and telling me and showing me that I was important to them.  I remember ghost hunts, and beach trips on the fly, I remember shows i've done and stories i've written... but I could not tell you for the life of me who I saw a certain movie with or when I watched a tv show,  or a lot of other things that I spend most of my time doing... We fill most of our time with the useless things, and the things that mean the most to us seem to get sprinkled in from time to time.
     I want to take more chances. I think sometimes the biggest thing holding me back is myself. I have in the past had such a low opinion of myself that I wouldn't try anything. How can you expect anyone else to see the value in you if you don't see the value in yourself. I guess over the last couple of years that's the lesson i've learned best.  My signature on my phone reads Hello I'm Awesome. It's not me being cocky, not just a coined phrase from a wrestler, (even though that's where I saw it), but it's how I think we should all feel. Personally I look at myself now in a different light than I ever had. I'm a very loving, giving, and forgiving person. I'm pretty funny, I won't win any stand up comedy gigs but I make my friends laugh, and probably the most important quality I have is I listen. I  genuinely care what you have to say and how you feel. That in itself is so hard to find these days. So yeah I think i'm pretty awesome... and that I believe is the square that completes my patchwork.