patchwork

 When mowing grass, I tend to cut myself out an area into a rectangle or square depending on where i'm cutting and I'll cut that square down. I think it gives me a sense of progression, and at times completion. Eventually I'll get all squares cut and I'm done. I think in a lot of ways life is this way... We make these goals for ourselves and chop them down and move forward... or we should at any rate... Somewhere along the way however it seems we lose sight of things that are the most important and it makes our patchwork incomplete so here are a few of the things I'd like to do in the time I have remaining..
    First, I think it's important that the one person you love most in your life is an important part of your life. Whether that be a family member, a significant other, a best friend, or whatever too many times the people we love the most are the ones that we lose contact with because we either take them for granted, or maybe you want more than that person can give you so you end up with nothing at all.  Both cases are sad and we should make sure the ones we love know exactly how important they are to us. It's not always easy to say but it is necessary to say it.
   Second I want to do more living. I do too many things that mean absolutely nothing to me and not enough of the things that do. I remember things like sitting on the front porch to the early morning hours singing songs that we didn't know all the words to with one of my best friends, I remember spending a night in a car with two of my best friends in the Denny's parking lot talking, after eating at Denny's, not just a few hours, but an entire night, and when the sun came up we drove to the Roger's theater and looked around. I can remember a birthday where I spent the whole day in my room with someone very special to me, and how that has been my favorite birthday of all times just because of the fact that for us that day we were it, it wasn't about some present, or ceremony, or even just about sex (although that was a perk). It was about someone being with me and only me and telling me and showing me that I was important to them.  I remember ghost hunts, and beach trips on the fly, I remember shows i've done and stories i've written... but I could not tell you for the life of me who I saw a certain movie with or when I watched a tv show,  or a lot of other things that I spend most of my time doing... We fill most of our time with the useless things, and the things that mean the most to us seem to get sprinkled in from time to time.
     I want to take more chances. I think sometimes the biggest thing holding me back is myself. I have in the past had such a low opinion of myself that I wouldn't try anything. How can you expect anyone else to see the value in you if you don't see the value in yourself. I guess over the last couple of years that's the lesson i've learned best.  My signature on my phone reads Hello I'm Awesome. It's not me being cocky, not just a coined phrase from a wrestler, (even though that's where I saw it), but it's how I think we should all feel. Personally I look at myself now in a different light than I ever had. I'm a very loving, giving, and forgiving person. I'm pretty funny, I won't win any stand up comedy gigs but I make my friends laugh, and probably the most important quality I have is I listen. I  genuinely care what you have to say and how you feel. That in itself is so hard to find these days. So yeah I think i'm pretty awesome... and that I believe is the square that completes my patchwork.

New beginnings

I've recently decided to start a healthier lifestyle. Smaller portions, less starch (and breads in general) no more soda's, more water, no sweets, lots of fruits and vegetables, and daily exercise (mainly walking). The result of my first week is a 9 pound weight loss. I'm super excited about that. I know I won't lose that much on a weekly basis, but I have a personal goal of 45 pounds by Christmas and 85 pounds by May 1st of next year (one year after my start date). All in all I want to lose 130 pounds. that being said it's a long road and I'm sure it's going to be difficult but I'm up for the challenge. I feel wonderful as of late, which is a good thing. I'm excited that summer is coming and hope to enjoy it this year and maybe take a trip somewhere :-). I think we take too much time in our lives waiting for the next big plan event however, and not enough time enjoying the day you're in. Trust me when I say that life is too short, and if you're not careful you'll be looking back wishing what if?
          "Welcome To Mitford" is coming to an end today. I have enjoyed working with the cast and crew and while show's are bittersweet at their ending, i'm looking forward to auditioning for "Rounding Third" and welcome the rest.  My shot at getting cast in "Rounding Third" are slim, as it's a two man show, but I'm crossing my fingers.  On a somewhat related note I've picked our 4 shows to read in the hopes I''ll like one when the perusal scripts come in, so that I can direct again next year. What can I say folks I love theater.
          Last but not least it is, of course , mother's day, so to my mother and all the mother's out there. I'd like to wish you a happy Mother's Day, and I hope it's a day filled with family, fun, food, and happiness.

what I thought I knew about love

Life is difficult at times, and love more so. As a child love is easy. I love you are words you say to your mom dad and various other family members, or something you tell an elementary school sweetheart you think is cute. Growing up love becomes an entire headache all it's own. The problem we run into, or at least I have my whole life is you forget what you learned as a kid. When you're little you don't have to have someone show you they love you by "doing" anything out of the way, out of the ordinary, or spectacular.  Love is shown through small acts of kindness from others. Maybe it's  a simple I love you, or maybe it's your mom playing with you after a long day of work, maybe it's your dad letting you  watch him work on a car, or watching a ball game with him. Maybe it's family night, or special traditions started at holidays... The point is there is no label for what love is. When you grow up and get your idea of what love is and what it should be, or how it should be expressed we get messed up. Maybe to me love is finding a girl, committing to her, flooding her with attention, coming up with poetry, songs, and gestures to show her what i'm feeling. Maybe her idea of showing you is to move closer to you, and spend her one free day a week having dinner with you as opposed to a girls night out, or maybe it's just to say "I love you" when it's always been so hard for her to say. Or maybe it's to let you see sides of her no one has.  Or maybe it's a father asking you out to breakfast on the weekends just to spend time with you, or taking you out shopping with him, or a mother coming to see you as often as she can, or a brother who comes over to watch ball games or have dinners with you just so he can spend some time with you. The thing is somewhere along the way, we all turn our own ideas of love into the world, and think our expressions are what everyone's expression should be.  Love is shown by men and women fighting for our country, by small kisses, and long talks, leaps and bounds above what others believe and   what others see... Far be it from me to go on a religious rant, but after all, look what Jesus did to show us his love for us... So to those of you who read this, I hope you'll tell the person you love that you do love them... even if it's just by simply dropping by to see them in a moment of spare time, or making a phone call when you usually don't. After all who doesn't need love in their life?

Just a dream

A dream is just a dream to you,
but it's so much more to me,
When you close your eyes at night
a dream is what you see
It may bring joy or pain;
or wake you with falling tears
It may bring out the best in you,
or release all your fears
You may recall it when you wake
or forget it all the same
It may haunt you with visions
that last for days and days
A dream is just a dream to you
but it's so much more to me
Even as I lie awake
a dream is what I see
As vivid as a nightmare
as haunting as a ghost
The reality of my dreams
is what I fear the most
I close my eyes and there are things
I fight, hide from, and fear
But as I open up my eyes
those things are all still here
A dream is just a dream to you
but it's so much more to me
While the meanings are symbolic
they may never come to be
In time when you forget them
or they become de ja vu
It seems more coincidence
 than a message coming through
The fright you try to hide each day
with an evanescent smile
Is just a dream to you at night
not a mask of your denial
A dream is just a dream to you
but it's so much more to me
I've taken off my mask of shame
for the whole world to see
I may not be perfect,
nor have the answers right
The pain by day may be as real
as it is for you each night
The things I dream and pray for us
may never come to be
because a dream is just a dream to you
but it's so much more to me

The comings and goings

I recently have decided that growing up should be in my agenda. I'll be 33 in a couple weeks, and so i decided to purchase health and dental insurance, and decided to be a little more careful with money. Save and enjoy the things I really like to do as apposed to spreading it here and there on stuff to keep me occupied and never really having the money to enjoy things I really like... such as traveling. The first three months of the year are always the hardest for me... I don't want to explain nor am I willing to go into all the details as of why, but let's just say that in my history the bad things that happen in my life generally happen around this time... I don't know what my good months are... i guess it would be fall to winter, october, november, december,.... don't ask me why but that is my favorite time of year. I'm am under the general impression that I will die in the first three months of the year lol. However who knows.
        I went to a hockey game tonight. Tyler got tickets for a suite, free food, free game, lots of fights, and we even had a little spat with the guys above us, Checkers won so all in all it was a great night. Tomorrow is Divisional playoffs, with my boys the Pittsburgh Steelers playing the Baltimore Ravens. Should be a hard nose down and dirty game, and i can't wait. I'm glad the snow and ice is melting, and I hope we're done with it for the year. I've had my share and I'm ready to move on... however late January to mid February, is when we generally get our big snow, so we may be in for another big storm...
       Pulling myself up out of this hole i've been in hasn't been all fun and games... I've had slips and set backs, but I think I'm getting to where i want to be, and that in itself is a small light at the end of a long dark tunnel. I thought for the longest time i was insane, but I wasn't I was in love, and some times it's hard to tell the difference.  I'm ready to do another show, so i'm hoping the next one coming for us provides the opportunity for me to do so... I"m tired of being idle, ready to be busy again.

Reflection

  I'm not looking in a mirror of course, but this is the time of year when we take a look at the things that have gone on over the past 12 months and judge how good or bad the year was for us... At the end of last year i had a lot of hope, I thought this year was going to be the beginning of a new life for me, but it didn't turn out as i expected... imagine that... In the past year I stood by someone who i loved and who I thought needed me, only to find out that in the end I was only going to end up alone for 10 months out of the year. My cousin received a bone marrow transplant, that saved his life and he has now moved in with me and is a friend as well as roommate. I then tried a series of failed attempts at starting a relationship, all of which pointed me to the fact that I wasn't ready to move on or give up even on the person I was in love with from the start. I attended several weddings, saw a family member leave this world, saw a new life brought into this world. Did a show in which I feel like I've done the best acting i've ever done, and I did it in front of the one I loved so much, who had actually never seen a show, a full show at least, live with me in it. I kissed someone I've known for years, and who i thought at one time I may have something with, only to realize that we are only friends and that's all we'll ever be, once again more proof I wasn't ready to move on. I moved into a new house, a house I actually love being in, have room in... So all in all you would say it was a good year, but up until a few days ago, I still felt horrible about it. I still love very much that same person, a year later, and i guess it goes to show some things don't go away. But she talked to me, told me things I didn't know, she didn't give me false hope or tell me we were getting back together. But she told me she loved me and I know she meant it... Even though it may have been the love you have for your friends, any love that you can feel is genuine, touches you and helps you move past the times that seem darkest... And that's what I get out of my year I guess more than anything... Love. Love is such a hard word to describe or define. Love is so different to each of us but we all feel it. My friends who have listened to me, the helping hands when I made a few really really really bad mistakes this spring... the encouraging words of family. Love is abundant in my life, and I hope to give it back. Who wants to be Scrooge when you can be Santa. I may not have a "significant other" this Christmas, no one to hold tight trade gifts with or kiss under the mistletoe, but I do have a significant group of family and friends who i'm happy to share my time with, and that is the greatest reflection any man can see when he looks back at his year.

Upcoming

   The Christmas season will be in full swing next week. Not that you have to tell that to the retailers, because they started two weeks before Halloween. I find myself this year starting from scratch and ready to decorate my first house. I've already been to several places and bought tons of ornaments, and my plan is that day after Thanksgiving, I will go pick out my tree and begin decorating. Christmas always brings back memories for me, memories from childhood and waiting for santa, memories of Holidays spent with family, friends, girlfriends, and even alone. I asked someone the other day what is the one thing they associate with me; the one thing that when they see it or hear it I automatically think of me. This person told me they couldn't think of one thing but several and at the top of that list was Christmas. This (even though they don't know it) made me smile. Christmas is a special time for me and the fact that I touched someone's life in a way that when they think of Christmas they think of memories they had with me touches me. I love my friends what can i say.
       Tonight, I'm going to my director's house from a show I did earlier in the year and watching the show with the cast. Normally this is done right after the show, but due to conflicts and so forth we're just now getting together. The cool thing about it is she's got a projector to show it on a huge screen. So it'll kind of be like watching myself on the big screen haha. I'm excited about it as it was probably my favorite show ever.
       Otherwise, my life is kind of quiet at the moment. That's something I welcome and yet feel strangely guilty for. I'm used to my life being organized chaos and the fact I have a little down time makes me feel bad. So to all those who don't have a free minute to themselves, just remember when you do have some time enjoy it cause guilt will eat you alive. I'd love to hear from some of you guys. I miss my buds. Till next time...