thinks that are on my mind/ Never

Posting from the heart gets you into trouble sometimes, especially if you're life isn't everything it's cracked up to be at the moment. People tend to look at you as troubled, But then when things are going great people congratulate you and want to hang out and so forth and so on... Lately I feel torn inside... not in torn as, to how I feel but torn in almost every other way. So I would love feedback on how you feel even if you are just a curious person who wandered on my page by mistake. I know what I feel, and I know what I want to feel, those are about the only two things in this life I do know. The two are so far apart that they don't even seem to be feelings that should belong in the same body. The things I think... Oh God the things I think... I think of the person I want to be with, and how now that person has moved on to the extent that as Phil Collins so beautifully wrote it's "Against All Odds" that I will ever be with her again. And my brain... oh my brain he tells me, this is what you need to do, this is how you need to move on, these are the things that will help... and i listen to him... and I try... and nothing absolutely nothing makes all this pain go away, well almost nothing... and the things that do only ease it for a short time.It's like taking a shot of morphine, it'll dull the pain but when it wears off it's still there.  And then... there is this other thing... I feel my heart is broken. Not broken in the since of this girl broke my heart and woe is me... but broken as in I don't feel like I could love anyone that way again... NO... I KNOW I CAN'T;  But I try, and I want to, and I owe it to myself to feel again... right? To get on that horse, to understand hey she's never coming back to you, you're never going to be together... at least not in that way.  So i think about where things went wrong... and there were so many places... God more than i can put a finger  on. I've been thinking so hard about that. The really sad part is I see her from time to time... and it's not like all those feelings come flooding back when I look at her. They never stopped, never subsided, never... well just never. Forever IS just a word... but it's a powerful word... and memories can stay with us for that forever. Try telling yourself , when your with someone else and all you can think of is that love, that one that got away... yeah try telling yourself that forever isn't real and those memories with stab you through the heart like you were the last thing standing between it and eternal damnation.  Sad as this all sounds, I'm happy. I'm happy for her. She love someone again... Great!!! She deserves happy. And while all this may seem like a huge love sucks rant, it truly isn't. I am happy... I am happy because for the first time I think in my life I've figured out a lot of things.I know what it is to be in love and that i will never settle for less. I learned that you must give love a chance, if you don't then you'll end up cold and alone. I've learned that while we promise things, and may even genuinely mean them it's the things that we don't do that mean the most... I've been thinking about this all day... and i wrote a little something... call it a poem or whatever... but these are my Nevers

-Never will I raise my hand in anger, not to you or around you. My hand is for love not for hate
-Never will I raise my voice at you, You are my equal not beneath me I shoudn't degrate you
-Never will I cause you any pain, Your days should be filled with joy and love as you've filled mine
-Never will I doubt you, while I may get jealous when you're with someone else It's only because I feel a moment without you in my life is a moment wasted
-Never will I lead you astray, I am here for you always and want you to do what's right in your heart
-Never will I force my opinions on you, while we may disagree there are often times more than one way to resolve a conflict and my way may not always be the best way for you.
-Never will I stray, you are my life, my soul, my hope, and I could never find another like you
-Never will I push you away , while things may not be how i want, I am not a child and can't have my way
All these things I will never do because my most important Never is
-Never do I want a life without you.

Thanks to all those who stuck around to read... and yes I am happy and yes I'll be fine, but being in love with someone is not always a picnic... We have to get through the storms of life sometimes to see the rainbows...