The comings and goings

I recently have decided that growing up should be in my agenda. I'll be 33 in a couple weeks, and so i decided to purchase health and dental insurance, and decided to be a little more careful with money. Save and enjoy the things I really like to do as apposed to spreading it here and there on stuff to keep me occupied and never really having the money to enjoy things I really like... such as traveling. The first three months of the year are always the hardest for me... I don't want to explain nor am I willing to go into all the details as of why, but let's just say that in my history the bad things that happen in my life generally happen around this time... I don't know what my good months are... i guess it would be fall to winter, october, november, december,.... don't ask me why but that is my favorite time of year. I'm am under the general impression that I will die in the first three months of the year lol. However who knows.
        I went to a hockey game tonight. Tyler got tickets for a suite, free food, free game, lots of fights, and we even had a little spat with the guys above us, Checkers won so all in all it was a great night. Tomorrow is Divisional playoffs, with my boys the Pittsburgh Steelers playing the Baltimore Ravens. Should be a hard nose down and dirty game, and i can't wait. I'm glad the snow and ice is melting, and I hope we're done with it for the year. I've had my share and I'm ready to move on... however late January to mid February, is when we generally get our big snow, so we may be in for another big storm...
       Pulling myself up out of this hole i've been in hasn't been all fun and games... I've had slips and set backs, but I think I'm getting to where i want to be, and that in itself is a small light at the end of a long dark tunnel. I thought for the longest time i was insane, but I wasn't I was in love, and some times it's hard to tell the difference.  I'm ready to do another show, so i'm hoping the next one coming for us provides the opportunity for me to do so... I"m tired of being idle, ready to be busy again.

Reflection

  I'm not looking in a mirror of course, but this is the time of year when we take a look at the things that have gone on over the past 12 months and judge how good or bad the year was for us... At the end of last year i had a lot of hope, I thought this year was going to be the beginning of a new life for me, but it didn't turn out as i expected... imagine that... In the past year I stood by someone who i loved and who I thought needed me, only to find out that in the end I was only going to end up alone for 10 months out of the year. My cousin received a bone marrow transplant, that saved his life and he has now moved in with me and is a friend as well as roommate. I then tried a series of failed attempts at starting a relationship, all of which pointed me to the fact that I wasn't ready to move on or give up even on the person I was in love with from the start. I attended several weddings, saw a family member leave this world, saw a new life brought into this world. Did a show in which I feel like I've done the best acting i've ever done, and I did it in front of the one I loved so much, who had actually never seen a show, a full show at least, live with me in it. I kissed someone I've known for years, and who i thought at one time I may have something with, only to realize that we are only friends and that's all we'll ever be, once again more proof I wasn't ready to move on. I moved into a new house, a house I actually love being in, have room in... So all in all you would say it was a good year, but up until a few days ago, I still felt horrible about it. I still love very much that same person, a year later, and i guess it goes to show some things don't go away. But she talked to me, told me things I didn't know, she didn't give me false hope or tell me we were getting back together. But she told me she loved me and I know she meant it... Even though it may have been the love you have for your friends, any love that you can feel is genuine, touches you and helps you move past the times that seem darkest... And that's what I get out of my year I guess more than anything... Love. Love is such a hard word to describe or define. Love is so different to each of us but we all feel it. My friends who have listened to me, the helping hands when I made a few really really really bad mistakes this spring... the encouraging words of family. Love is abundant in my life, and I hope to give it back. Who wants to be Scrooge when you can be Santa. I may not have a "significant other" this Christmas, no one to hold tight trade gifts with or kiss under the mistletoe, but I do have a significant group of family and friends who i'm happy to share my time with, and that is the greatest reflection any man can see when he looks back at his year.

Upcoming

   The Christmas season will be in full swing next week. Not that you have to tell that to the retailers, because they started two weeks before Halloween. I find myself this year starting from scratch and ready to decorate my first house. I've already been to several places and bought tons of ornaments, and my plan is that day after Thanksgiving, I will go pick out my tree and begin decorating. Christmas always brings back memories for me, memories from childhood and waiting for santa, memories of Holidays spent with family, friends, girlfriends, and even alone. I asked someone the other day what is the one thing they associate with me; the one thing that when they see it or hear it I automatically think of me. This person told me they couldn't think of one thing but several and at the top of that list was Christmas. This (even though they don't know it) made me smile. Christmas is a special time for me and the fact that I touched someone's life in a way that when they think of Christmas they think of memories they had with me touches me. I love my friends what can i say.
       Tonight, I'm going to my director's house from a show I did earlier in the year and watching the show with the cast. Normally this is done right after the show, but due to conflicts and so forth we're just now getting together. The cool thing about it is she's got a projector to show it on a huge screen. So it'll kind of be like watching myself on the big screen haha. I'm excited about it as it was probably my favorite show ever.
       Otherwise, my life is kind of quiet at the moment. That's something I welcome and yet feel strangely guilty for. I'm used to my life being organized chaos and the fact I have a little down time makes me feel bad. So to all those who don't have a free minute to themselves, just remember when you do have some time enjoy it cause guilt will eat you alive. I'd love to hear from some of you guys. I miss my buds. Till next time...

New beginning

     There is a post I read called BORED OLIVES. It's an interesting post, an email love story of sorts. Anyone interested should check it out, the gist however is boy meets girl boys falls for girl through horrible communication girl thinks boy isn't interested and sleeps with his friend. Girl regrets, boy flys off the handle, they become friends, boy starts dating roommate... The attraction is still evident... and that's kinda where I am now.  While it has a Harry met Sally feel to it at times, it just goes to show that all relationships are complicated. I have tried and failed miserably at several relationships. I'm always wondering if this is " the one" and when it turns out not to be I usually at least remain friends with the failed future Mrs. Huffstetler. I find the older I get however the harder this feat actually is.  I value friendships and I try and always be there for my friends. I don't ignore people, and as a general rule if for some reason I don't pull through on something or I can't contact you there is a good reason. So with that being said it makes it hard to let people go in my life.  I do however value my self worth. I think I deserve to be more than someone's fall back, or someone you can't make plans with because "you never know what else will come up". I don't like being the one who picks people up puts them on their feet only to have them leave me behind until they fall again. Only it seems that is my purpose in life. If I was getting paid as a psychiatrist, and it was a professional thing I was doing i'd be fine with it. But when I invest my time and energy into a friendship I hate to feel shafted. So I've stood up for myself. Usually I let things just go and accept my role. Lately however I'm feeling more important... I think that it's wrong to be discarded, used, and pulled off the shelf only when needed. I also think it's not right to have to fight to pull a conversation out of someone. Either you want to be my friend or you don't.  I've made mistakes, and I apologize for them, and for any wrong i've done, i'd love to face it and fix it, repair the things that need repairing; but I don't apologize for standing up and saying I deserve to be treated like a friend. I love everyone in my life in some way. I don't say those words a lot, and a lot of you hate that about me... but if I say it to you a lot it's because I mean it. Perhaps if we lived our lives thinking about others as opposed to trying to get our momentary moments of joy, our long term joy would exceed our own expectations. I hope and strive to be that kind of person.

Stick with what brought you here

This is a favorite football or wrestling analogy that I hear a lot, but I believe it applies heavily to daily life. A lot of times when a team goes to the super bowl, or the playoffs even, or in wrestling (and yes I know wrestling isn't "real" I used to wrestle for God's sake) when someone went to a championship match, the announcer will stay that a team needs to stick with what brought them there. The tendency is, if you're a team that likes to ground the ball out and you're playing a high scoring team you'll try and pick up your passing game so you can try to match scores with them.  When the fact of the matter is, if you pound the ball and make them stop you, keep their offense off the field so they can't get into a rhythm you're much better off...  In life it's much the same. We take for granted the things that are stable in our lives and work to hard on the things that don't really matter, and don't make us who we are. Why would a man who's happily married with children cheat on his wife? Sure now and then he may succeed in getting that short term goal but in the end, if he's caught, he loses the thing that's important to him.  Now by in no way am I stating that we should never try anything new. I think expanding and learning new things is an important part of our growth as individuals. I think as we enter in the time of year where we are supposed to give thanks, that for me personally and for I hope many of you, we stop and really think about our lives and the things we have to be thankful for. Think about the things that we have day in and day out. Things as simple as having an outlet to write is something I take for granted, but even more so are the friends that listen to what I say and genuinely care about me and the things I'm going through. We can't always get the things we want in life, but we should treasure the things we do have. So whether it be a loving wife, beautiful children, an endless supply of friends, or a simple notebook to jot down ideas, I hope by appreciating everything in life from big to small it will help us stick with what brought us here, and we can all win our "Super Bowls"

winding down

It's getting down to the end of the line for me. My shows will be over soon, I perform two this weekend and then the following weekend i'll be singing at a wedding and starting our run of "Deadly Murders". Not a moment too soon. I am exhausted. Between learning lines, rehearsing, and work I can't even sleep well. nightmares, time restraint on sleeping, yada yada yada. So today I wake up, and the first words out of my mouth  were damn that can NOT be the alarm already. Of course there was no one there to hear my ramblings so I fought my way out of bed and into another day of work... I believe it can be proven that working before 7 in the morning is hazerdous to your health and should be outlawed in the state of North Carolina...  but i digress. Shows are coming up, hope to see you guys there. Weekend before and weekend of Halloween for Deadly Murders, starring Kyran Packard for those of you familiar with the local group of us, Co starring Sean Whitworth and myself. And this weekend coming up will be the season opener. Free to all at the arts council on Washington Street in Shelby. I'll be in a couple of small skits, and may have a beverage or two...  Until next time.

round and round

I've been going through a lot of things lately as most of you already know. The first show of the season, well full length show at least, is coming along nicely, and I think people will see a side of me they have never seen before. Being someone different every time I step on stage is something I pride myself in, and I can definitely say, i've never been this guy.  The season opener stuff, i've barely had a chance to look at... good thing they are short and I should be able to learn them with minimal effort.
My boss recently married, and has been away from the store. So that's been hectic, working extra hours and doing the show... Life is good for the most part. However I have been having some horrific nightmares. I was in a house, my friend Michael and I were watching a man push his daughter on a swing, then his wife walks outside, and without warning the man pulls out a gun and blows his daughter's brains out. I was horrified, in total shock, then he turns the gun on his wife. After finally getting my shit together I tell my friend Michael to leave, I was going to distract the man and hopefully get some help for his wife who i wasn't sure was even still alive. At this point the man turns his attention to me, he walks in the house and looks in me and to my surprise I see my own eyes staring back at me. I'm older, and physically a little different, slimmer, paler, but the eyes and expression give it away, it's then I wake up.
Dream 2 had me lying on a bed with a back ache, and someone who was I assume my girlfriend was giving me a back rub, then she pulls out a hair dryer and starts putting it to my hair.... and I pushed her off of me into a tub of water, electrocuting her... I sat there and watch her convulse, smiling and laughing, until the life was out of her eyes.... And last night... well I won't even get into that, let's just say it was worse and leave it at that. I don't get spooked easily, horror movies and things don't affect me... but i'm rattled.  I see this person, like a ghost laughing at me controlling these things, enjoying my misery. It sounds crazy, even Halloweenish, maybe the ghouls have got to me lol. Or maybe i'm just losing it... either way, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger they always say. Hope to see you all at the show.